Please scroll down the page for this month's Tip From Tantra. Thank you.
It's Not What We Say, But What Participants Say That Counts
"It was an awesome weekend even for a conservative girl like me. I can't believe how much love, sincerity and joy flowed through the group...and right into my heart. I wish all of you a wonderful, wonderful week." Message to her group, from DD Teacher, 27
"I gained connection with my own natural joy in being physical." Ms. T. Author, Healer
“ Thank you for a deeply rich, sensual and moving workshop on sexuality. [It]...helped me...to see my sexuality in a refreshing, innocent, and powerful way. ”
“Where have all these men come from? It’s been 10 years since I had a date! Since the workshops I’ve been approached on the street, even in the grocery store ... “ ZJ, 35 Masters Student
“ I experienced a ‘heart connection’ to parts of my body I disowned ...” from course evaluation form Ms. S.S, High School Teacher, 45
“ ... after the breath exercise I felt waves of intense pleasure all over my body. It lasted a long time. I went into feelings of bliss.” from a phone call Mr. J. D. 44, Entrepreneur
"Ecstatic breathing and visualizing! I don't think they can be lauded and praised more loudly. It is simply an out-of-body and connecting miracle technique..."
"What stood out was the exercise of worshipping [my wife]. It opened me up to take everything and to offer my wife my total love." Mr. T.S. 33, Drummer
'The men's circle was insightful and powerful. A recognition of allies on a similar quest." Mr. D. L. Director, Film Festival
[With regards to inability to get an erection] “..I am surprised how these exercises have changed me…Actually, I am very impressed with the fabulous results.”
"I'm really satisfied with my progress. It's not something I'd say easily. I don't feel an uncontrolable urge to come anymore. It's a transformation. I lasted 45 minutes in intercourse. (I used to come in three thrusts after penetration.) I feel great now. I feel I have beaten this thing. " from phone conversation with Mr. E. M. 45, Banker.
“Lucy knows the Tantra philosophy and lives it with ease and naturalness.” from an email to workshop organizers Mr. M. D. 50, Shamanic Counselor
"I learned that pleasure is good --and way more fun than struggle."
“ ...the techniques I learned helped me to be the lover my lover wants me to be.” from a conversation Mr. G.R., 51 , Sales Manager
"I learned how incredibly deeply I cared for my partner...I was unable to express [it] before..." Mr. B. 40, Programmer.
A Tip From Tantra
Why Is She Always Complaining ?!
Nothing you say is ever good enough. You try to please her but she's never satisfied. She criticizes you. She complains. She demands, nags, worries. She is resentful, never "in the mood" anymore and…is way too busy to acknowledge your existence.
What happened to that sweet, sexy, appreciative, available woman you used to know?
When a woman experiences (or is reminded of having experienced) fear of harm, isolation, or deprivation she will likely be critical, defensive, blaming or contemptuous.
What Works With Women
1. Start becoming aware of her vulnerability, even when she is not showing it.
The best way to disarm the fear-shame dynamic is to recognize when it occurs. When women express vulnerability, it is often in the form of nagging, worries, complaints, demands, busyness; she is anxious about something.
Try to listen to the feelings underneath what she is saying rather than to the content.
2. Manage your own responses when she is upset.
Develop your ability to “be with” her emotional upset. Reduce the way you trigger her fears.
-Halt or temporarily set aside your reactions of failure or shame.
-Avoid defending your point of view.
-Let her know you understand her point of view; that you get it. You don’t have to agree with her point of view or her feelings. But she has to know you get it. Mirror, or reflect, her words back to her.
-Avoid getting angry.
-Don’t shut down your feelings.
-Don’t withdraw from her.
-Don’t’ try to fix her problem.
After she gets that you understand her feelings you can see if she is open to suggestions.
3. Respond automatically to the vulnerability under the complaint. Make an emotional connection with her.
Women respond to stress by emotional bonding. To avoid their fear, women seek more closeness. When a woman feels close, she can relax: when she feels distance, she gets anxious. Emotional bonding is a woman’s primary source of comfort, and often it is in the form of talking.
Note: Be aware that if you don’t feel you can adequately protect her you are likely to feel unworthy of an emotional connection with her. You may get angry or withdraw when she ask to for closeness. Do not give in to feeling unworthy! Women need men to care about them and get into their emotional world.
-If she feels accused, reassure her.
-If she feels guilty, help her feel better.
-If she feels rejected, accept her.
-If she feels powerless, try to empower her.
-If she feels inadequate, help her to appreciate her competence.
Hugs are good, too.
To learn more about this topic, buy a copy of this fantastic book or visit your local library.